It is very interesting to learn you have a disposable marriage. It really sucks to find out your husband is having an affair and has been fucking around on you even while you were being treated for cancer. It majorly sucks to find out that the affair continues during your recovery and he has announced that he doesn't want to be married anymore, but he can't afford to move out. It is even more interesting to have a husband who decides to cut and run, but who forgot about the run part. Now in all fairness, I disposed of a marriage once myself. I cut, but I also ran as fast as I could. He was a 'classic' of that 'type' I wrote of earlier, but also ten years older and I did a lot of growing up between 24-30. I changed, I matured, he didn't. I had also met my current 'cut and not run' husband.....another one of that 'type'. See what I mean about not learning from previous mistakes and experience?
There are two sides to every divorce. His/her side, her/his side and the middle ground which is usually the most accurate. How you figure out what that middle ground is, I am not sure. Does someone actually listen to both sides and then wade through all the BS to find the kernel of truth? Does it matter? What really matters is my side.....I don't give a crap about his side, quite frankly. I've tried to give a hoot....I really have, but the more I think about it, the more I realize what an asshole he is. And what an asshole I am for having persevered through this sham of a marriage for so long. I am essentially furious with myself, which of course is all his fault.
Sunday, 27 October 2013
Monday, 7 October 2013
One year ago today, I was 3 days into my 'Killer Chemo'. The third of 6 days where they flooded my body with poison to destroy my cancer, with the unfortunate consequence of destroying my bone marrow and therefore my immune system and ability to produce blood cells. 'We're first going to kill you, then bring you back to life using a stem cell transplant." The technique is considered 'salvaging' in modern medical lingo.
Salvaging.....a) the rescue of a ship, it's crew, and/or cargo from fire or shipwreck b) the ship, crew, cargo so rescued, c) the compensation given those who perform the rescue, d) the act of saving anything from danger, e) the property saved from danger.
So I have been salvaged, I am salvage in and of itself and I am salvage to those who salvaged me.....though they preferred compensation via cold hard cash.
My life was salvaged, as I surely would have died.
The life that was salvaged is not the life from before the shipwreck, from before the fire struck, from before the danger descended, from prior to my diagnosis. The life that was saved is from now. It still contains certain elements from before.....most of the people who stood by me as I was rescued from the maelstrom, who lent their hope and prayers and love and strength....my sons, my family, my friends. My house is still here. There are some new additions....a beloved puppy and ever lovable yet psycho-changeable cat.
And there are omissions, deletions, lacunae.....some noticeable only for the fact that they have ended up unnoticeable. Some that shook the very foundations to the core. Losses that change your personal world view, shake the very blocks upon which you had built your life for so many years and make you realize that, yes, indeed....what was salvaged is NOW and where this NOW will lead to in the future.
Salvaging.....a) the rescue of a ship, it's crew, and/or cargo from fire or shipwreck b) the ship, crew, cargo so rescued, c) the compensation given those who perform the rescue, d) the act of saving anything from danger, e) the property saved from danger.
So I have been salvaged, I am salvage in and of itself and I am salvage to those who salvaged me.....though they preferred compensation via cold hard cash.
My life was salvaged, as I surely would have died.
The life that was salvaged is not the life from before the shipwreck, from before the fire struck, from before the danger descended, from prior to my diagnosis. The life that was saved is from now. It still contains certain elements from before.....most of the people who stood by me as I was rescued from the maelstrom, who lent their hope and prayers and love and strength....my sons, my family, my friends. My house is still here. There are some new additions....a beloved puppy and ever lovable yet psycho-changeable cat.
And there are omissions, deletions, lacunae.....some noticeable only for the fact that they have ended up unnoticeable. Some that shook the very foundations to the core. Losses that change your personal world view, shake the very blocks upon which you had built your life for so many years and make you realize that, yes, indeed....what was salvaged is NOW and where this NOW will lead to in the future.
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
While I was lying awake the other night, in my perpetual state of insomnia, I flashed back to a date I had with this GORGEOUS guy, many, many years ago. I don't remember his name, or the circumstances, but I do remember his face. I recall building this whole scenario up in my mind....being so smitten with his looks, probably wondering why the hell this fantastical Adonis had actually asked me out....such were my deeply entrenched insecurities at the time. I distinctly recall being about 30 minutes into pre-dinner drinks, when I realized this guy was a total jerk. I went to the ladies room and came back, looking at him as I returned to the table, thinking that he really WAS NOT that hot looking. Every hormone that had been peaking for days prior to, every nerve-ending that I had thought about to explode from overactive imagination stimulation, ceased to function. The rest of dinner was a chore to be finished, like cleaning up the kitchen, and then I was outta there!
THIRTY MINUTES! That's all it took and I believe it took that long because I had already managed to knock back 2 glasses of wine and was working on a third. He was obviously self-centered, intelligent but dogmatic, lacking in empathy, and in need of constant stroking and admiration, which he received plenty of from the other females in the restaurant. In fact, even my male friends liked him because he was also pretty humourous and had a quick wit, qualities I also relish in people. Anyway, I spent most of the rest of dinner fascinated by the fact that I had found him so amazingly enticing until, outside of a 'party' situation, he had opened his mouth for more than 5 minutes.
This was huge, but it was a pattern. I look back and think of how most, (definitely not all), of the men I became seriously involved with were precisely that 'type', but it seems like it took me longer and longer to figure it out each time. Instead of picking up on the cues faster, I seemed to become less sensitive to them......in the last relationship it took about 20 years before they began to consciously kick in.
THIRTY MINUTES! That's all it took and I believe it took that long because I had already managed to knock back 2 glasses of wine and was working on a third. He was obviously self-centered, intelligent but dogmatic, lacking in empathy, and in need of constant stroking and admiration, which he received plenty of from the other females in the restaurant. In fact, even my male friends liked him because he was also pretty humourous and had a quick wit, qualities I also relish in people. Anyway, I spent most of the rest of dinner fascinated by the fact that I had found him so amazingly enticing until, outside of a 'party' situation, he had opened his mouth for more than 5 minutes.
This was huge, but it was a pattern. I look back and think of how most, (definitely not all), of the men I became seriously involved with were precisely that 'type', but it seems like it took me longer and longer to figure it out each time. Instead of picking up on the cues faster, I seemed to become less sensitive to them......in the last relationship it took about 20 years before they began to consciously kick in.
Wednesday, 20 March 2013
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